Emotional intelligence. It’s a phrase that pops up more and more these days, often in conversations about managing your feelings, communicating effectively with others, and navigating relationships of all varieties. But what does it mean?
According to the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to recognize, understand, label, express, and regulate emotions. EI is what allows us to interact with others with sensitivity and consideration. It’s what helps us move through the world with intention and purpose, whether we’re in a social setting, at work, or at home.
The benefits of high EI are immense: Not only does it cultivate a deeper understanding of oneself but it enhances health, happiness, and success in both your personal and your professional life. Having a high EI isn’t a guarantee, though. It’s something we must work to achieve — and sometimes, we need a little help along the way.
Marc Brackett, bestselling author and founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, champions the value of EI in his new book, Dealing with Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want. He explains that successfully dealing with our emotions is a vital life skill and one we can develop and refine to improve our lives.
According to Brackett, our emotions “carry important information from our deepest selves to our conscious minds… inform us of what’s going on in our lives, what we believe about our lives, and how those things are affecting us” (page 21).
When we struggle to manage our emotions effectively, therefore, we lose touch with who we are and our ability to achieve the life we desire.
So why can’t we deal with our emotions in positive and healthy ways? Brackett identifies seven reasons — and offers some steps to get us back on track.
1. WE DON’T VALUE OUR EMOTIONS
There are many reasons why we might not give our feelings the attention they deserve. As Brackett says, “feelings can be troublemakers — they put us in awkward positions or make us face choices we’d rather not confront” (page 20). And so we push them to the side, sometimes even dismissing our emotions as a sign of weakness. But often this knee-jerk impulse stems from a lack of understanding — we don’t know why we feel the way we feel, so we don’t think it really matters. This is why it’s so important to unpack the reasons behind our feelings.
2. WE DON’T RECOGNIZE THAT DEALING WITH FEELINGS IS A USEFUL SKILL
Say it with us: Emotion regulation is a skill.
Sometimes we meet people who are as cool as a cucumber. Chillness just becomes them, you know? And it seems like an inherent part of their personality, something they were born with and is thus out of reach for the rest of us. But that’s not true! Brackett describes dealing with feelings as “a skill like any other. It’s a toolbox of practical strategies with specific techniques and tactics that must be taught and can be learned and then refined all our lives” (page 22).
So, how can we get better at regulating our emotions? For starters, practice, practice, practice!
3. NOBODY TAUGHT US AT HOME
We learn a lot of skills from our parents. Unfortunately, as numerous studies have shown, emotion regulation is generally not one of them. Throughout his research, Brackett has found that most adults were not taught how to handle their feelings during their formative years, and that’s likely because their parents didn’t receive those lessons either. So now we’re passing down emotional dysfunction like an unfortunate family heirloom. It’s not our fault we were never taught emotional intelligence, just as it’s not our parents’ fault that they were never taught. It is, however, a cycle we can break.
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4. NOBODY TAUGHT US AT SCHOOL, EITHER
Kids spend an average of eight hours a day at school. That’s a lot of time, and school is the setting for the majority of our socialization, too. It makes sense that we should promote emotional learning and practice emotion regulation during the school day. Brackett remarks that “there’s a ton of research, including my own for the last two decades, showing how social and emotional learning, or SEL, is benefiting individual students and entire school systems” (28). And yet, these days, school systems across the country face backlash from those who argue that emotional education should occur at home, where we already see it isn’t really happening.
So if we’re not taught how to deal with our emotions at home or at school… Well, you see the problem.
In his advocacy for teaching SEL, Brackett makes clear the critical role that healthy emotions play in an effective education: “Emotions drive attention,” he says, “and attention drives learning” (page 29).
5. WE LOVE THE QUICK FIX
In the age of one-day deliveries and endless streaming, we expect instant gratification. But our preference for immediacy can get in the way of real results. As Brackett says, “there are no quick fixes — only gradual ones. True progress comes from strategies that genuinely address our challenges and focus on finding the most practical solutions” (page 29).
Everywhere we look, self-help tips and gimmicks beckon, whether it’s the latest diet fad or that one simple trick to improve your life. The reality is that emotional intelligence isn’t a trick — it’s a skill, remember? We have to stop reaching for the quick fixes and begin nurturing long-term habits.
6. WE’D RATHER TREAT AILMENTS THAN PREVENT THEM
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it…right? The problem with this strategy when it comes to our emotional health is that waiting until we have a meltdown means we suffer more than we have to. If we took the time to understand our feelings and manage our emotional responses before the meltdown, we could prevent the fallout and avoid the stress of having to put ourselves back together.
It’s a kind of emotional procrastination: We wait until there’s a problem before taking any action. Brackett highlights the far-reaching consequences of this avoidant tendency, noting its negative impact on work productivity, our personal relationships, and the health and safety of our communities. “As a society, rather than provide universal mental health care, we wait until someone makes their illness clear — usually by acting out in a way that causes harm to themselves or others. That’s when an ailment turns into a tragedy that could have been averted” (page 32).
7. THERE IS NO INSTITUTIONAL SUPPORT
From the COVID pandemic to doom-scrolling through the onslaught of breaking news, the world is a stressful place, especially for young people and those who need help. And yet, there’s little evidence to suggest that our government treats this crisis with the urgency it deserves. Despite seeing alarmingly high levels of anxiety and depression, the United States ranks as the least supportive of young people and families among 40 nations by UNICEF (page 35). As a result, our youngest and most vulnerable suffer, while individuals strive to stem the tide. “Parents, caregivers, and teachers cannot be the sole bulwark against forces undermining our kids’ development” (page 35).
So, if you ever find yourself struggling to deal with your emotions, remember that you’re not alone. The good news? It’s never too late to improve how you’re feeling and where you’re headed. Change is possible — and Brackett’s book gives us a great place to start.
