Have you ever met someone and just clicked? Whether it’s a companionable coworker, a brand-new bestie, or a future spouse, we’ve all experienced the spark of an instant connection, even if we’re not quite sure why it happens.
While the bond may feel magical, new research is beginning to shed light on the phenomenon known as interpersonal synchrony — the seemingly extraordinary, yet now scientifically documented, tendency of human beings to fall into rhythm and find resonance with one another.
This intriguing social dynamic is the subject of a fascinating new book: Why We Click: The Emerging Science of Interpersonal Synchrony, by journalist Kate Murphy. Murphy is an expert in human interaction and the author of You’re Not Listening, the acclaimed 2020 book on interpersonal communication. In her new work, Murphy explores interpersonal synchrony, showing us how we can harness it to improve our relationships, boost our physical and mental well-being, and become more present in our everyday lives.
Curious to learn more about it? We are, too! Here are five eye-opening facts about interpersonal synchrony, courtesy of Why We Click.
Fact #1: Synchrony runs more than skin-deep — much more.
We’ve all experienced synchrony in group settings, whether it’s swaying together at a concert, sharing laughter at a comedy show, or clapping at the end of a stellar performance. In such situations, our physical movements or behaviors are in sync. New research shows that synchrony also affects our biological functions in surprising ways.
“Not only do we subconsciously match one another’s movements,” Murphy explains, “recent breakthroughs in technology have revealed we also sync up our heart rates, blood pressure, brain waves, pupil dilation, and hormonal activity” (page 11).
A great example is romantic attraction. When we’re romantically interested in someone, we mirror shared physical gestures, but we also subconsciously match speech patterns, sentence structure, tone of voice, and more. In a study on speed dating, scientists found that when participants interacted with potential matches they found attractive, their biological markers began to synchronize — from their heart rate to their neural and breathing patterns, and even the electrical conductivity of their skin!
It goes to show that “two hearts beating as one” isn’t just a poetic metaphor.
Fact #2: Moving in sync improves everyone’s body and mind.
We all know that exercise makes us healthier, both physically and mentally. Moving together as a group? That’s even better.
Exercise “improves neural connectivity and stimulates neural growth factor,” and when it’s done with others, it boosts “altruism, affiliation, and cooperation” (page 108).
That’s because synchronous exercise is a prosocial activity. In experiments, it’s been shown to “build rapport and trust, as well as make people more likely to disclose personal information, cooperate, and generally be kind and helpful” (page 55).
If you’ve ever been part of a running group, a dance troupe, or even a marching band, you know firsthand that the experience fosters strong bonds and lasting emotional connections. Even small movements done in unison, like finger tapping, can produce this remarkable effect.
So, if you’re feeling down or disconnected, sign up for a group fitness class or go for a walk with a friend and sync your steps. Your brain, body, and heart will thank you.
3. Syncing is instinctual — but sometimes it works against us.
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Human beings are hardwired to seek connection, so our brains and bodies will tend toward synchrony. While there are many benefits to this natural behavior (see above), being in sync also poses a potential downside.
As Murphy puts it: “Our instinct to sync can make us susceptible to getting mired in other people’s psychosocial muck” (page 40). In other words, synchrony is most beneficial when we’re surrounded by positive people in constructive situations. If someone nearby is in a negative place, we’re susceptible to being drawn into their negative feelings.
Murphy notes that this can often happen at work, where we can’t always choose who we interact with. But while synchrony is instinctual, it isn’t beyond our control!
4. The fix? Knowing when to un-sync.
So what do you do when you find yourself syncing up with a negative influence? It’s all about recognizing that the emotions aren’t your own. Identify them, avoid internalizing them — and take concrete steps to un-sync.
Take our workplace setting as an example. If you find yourself getting pulled into the whirlpool of a co-worker’s anger or apathy, distance yourself and limit the time you spend together. Even simple shifts in behavior can make a big difference in un-syncing. Murphy suggests “breathing deeply, relaxing your muscles, changing your posture, shifting your gaze, taking a sip of water, or even picking up and putting down an object like a pencil.” Steps like these will keep your body from mirroring the bad energy and break the “tempo of the interaction” (page 102).
Fact #5: In order to click with others, you first have to be in tune with yourself.
The best way to click with others is to become aware of your own rhythms, patterns, signals, and needs. This heightened self-awareness is known as interoception — and Murphy sees it as key to building healthy patterns of synchrony.
Getting in touch with our own mind and body can be done through mindfulness exercises like meditation and journaling or with mental health work like therapy. We also improve interoception by engaging in activities that support our health, such as getting enough exercise and plenty of good sleep, as well as — perhaps most importantly — unplugging from our devices. Scientists have even found that sensory-deprivation flotation therapy is an effective way to build mind and body awareness.
But deepening your interoception doesn’t need to be complicated or costly. A simple step that delivers results? Get outside and connect with the outdoors. “Myriad studies have indicated that spending time in nature leads to marked improvements in cognitive ability, blood pressure, mental health, immune function, and sleep” (page 166).
No matter how you improve your awareness of your mental and physical selves, it’s crucial to maintain a sense of your own needs and well-being to build the best connections with others.
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Now that you’ve gained some insight into interpersonal synchrony, spend the next week noticing your emotions, rhythms, and how you sync up with those around you. And be sure to check out Kate Murphy’s Why We Click for even more insights into how to embrace synchrony in your own life!
